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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30123267">these wild oceans shake what's left of me loose</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/catgirlnya/pseuds/catgirlnya'>catgirlnya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Memory Alteration, Mentioned Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:08:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30123267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/catgirlnya/pseuds/catgirlnya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>something about kissing feels wrong. </p><p> </p><p>or, shadow weaver is terrible.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Kyle/Rogelio (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>these wild oceans shake what's left of me loose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>sorry but adora and catra DID date while they were in the horde and adora defecting WAS them breaking up i don't make the rules.</p><p>if only shadow weaver wasn't such a bitch smh.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Catra didn’t notice it the first time they kissed — there was too much going on, a whirlwind of emotion and adrenaline mixed with the heart-stopping fear of losing Adora and the unbridled joy that came with finding out that the feelings that rooted and tangled so deeply in her heart were reciprocated. But she felt a buzz the second time they kissed (laying in the grass, hands intertwined under the newly peaceful sky) and she definitely noticed it the third time (when they finally got back to Bright Moon and Adora dragged her to her room) — it was a feeling of familiarity, something that Adora triggered often, but dating was completely new territory for them. Shouldn’t their first shared kisses feel novel and sweet rather than nostalgic?</p><p>She didn’t think too much about it though. So what if kissing Adora felt like second nature, like she had been doing it forever — they were childhood friends, they had been orbiting each other their entire lives, a kiss wasn’t that different from linking pinkies and sleeping in the same bed and pinning each other to random surfaces while play fighting and teasing and soft touches on the shoulder and— </p><p>Well. </p><p>That was the thing. It wasn’t like that — it wasn’t natural, it wasn’t just another little action that they did. After every kiss, there was that pang of wistfulness that prodded at the back of her head like an annoying fly she couldn’t shoo away. Catra didn’t understand <em> why </em>. She pushed it aside as just another aspect of her abandonment issues — maybe subconsciously, she was afraid that this was it, this kiss would be her last. It didn’t feel like that, Catra thought she was secure enough to move past that, but who knows? It was her subconscious, and Perfuma told her once that trauma makes you do weird, illogical things. So Catra just ignored it </p><p>Of course, that’s when it blew up in her face. </p><p>They were in a supply closet, sucking each other’s faces off. Adora had one hand firmly on her thigh and one tangled in the hair at the base of her neck, which was slowly but surely growing out. It was now long enough to be considered a mullet, and Catra didn’t quite know if she liked it or not. Not that it mattered it that moment — not when she was dazed and looking up as Adora tracked kisses down her jaw, not when they were blindly stumbling backwards until Catra felt her back hit the wall and Adora stopped to lift her head up. Catra met her gaze half-lidded and flushed. “I love you,” she breathed out and Catra preened, letting out a laugh that was more of a huff and pressing her forehead against hers. She could feel the heat in her cheeks and the heat where her fingertips pressed against her skin and heat everywhere, it blazed through her as if she were kindling, she melted in Adora’s hands and Adora melted in hers. </p><p>And then the door swung open and their brains switched to primal instinct and they lept away from each other at neck-breaking speed. Catra’s heart was hammering harder than it should have, nearly drowning out any other voice. There was indescribable panic clawing up her throat, it was familiar, it was right in front of her but she couldn’t place it and she couldn’t cry out in time and— </p><p>“Seriously? In the supply closet? I feel like there should be a joke somewhere in there,” Lonnie deadpanned. After she and the rest of their old team had defected, they had decided to stay at the castle and work there for a while until they could get on their feet. Lonnie used to repair the communal bathrooms in the Horde because no one else would, and apparently, that translated pretty well with repairing random things around the castle, so she was always hanging out somewhere. She and Entrapta sometimes mutually existed and tinkered with things together. Catra might even go as far as saying that they were friends. “Whatever, just pass me the bleach, will you?”</p><p>Catra didn’t have it in her to respond or really do anything else but aggressively stare at the opposite wall, so Adora got it for her. She seemed a tad more composed than Catra but still looked a lot more panicked than she should have — it’s not like they were outed or anything. All of Etheria probably knew how disgustingly couple-y they were, but Catra couldn’t shake the feeling of rampant terror that was threatening to crush her. Lonnie didn’t seem to notice though — she was busy checking something on her screen. Adora handed her the bottle of bleach and Lonnie thanked her, then went to shut the door.</p><p>But before she left, she made an offhand remark: “Reminds me of what you guys were like in the Horde.”</p><p>And okay, Catra could have shot back, could have told her that they weren’t together back then, that they never went beyond platonically holding hands and squishing together on Adora’s bunk, but bile pooled in her stomach — it felt so <em> wrong </em> to say that, it felt like a lie that couldn’t leave the tip of her tongue, even if she never had a problem with lying before and even though it <em> wasn’t </em> a lie. And the way that Lonnie said it didn’t sound like speculation, or like she heard it from a wild rumour. She said it as if they had been in this exact situation before, making out in a supply closet and getting caught in the exact same way, by Lonnie who teased them relentlessly but promised to never tell a soul and— </p><p>And it was too on the nose, too startlingly familiar, Catra couldn’t breathe because it never happened but she could imagine it clearly in her mind’s eye, and she wasn’t sure anymore, what was real and what wasn’t.</p><p>“Catra,” Adora said. “Catra, you feel it too?” </p><p>Catra didn’t have to ask what ‘it’ was. She nodded numbly. “That’s not normal, is it?”</p><p>“I don’t know. We should ask someone.” </p><p>Immediately, Catra’s hair stood on an end. The thought of revealing their relationship to anyone was terrifying — but that was the thing. Everyone already knew. And they were fine with it. They were fine. She was fine. Catra let out a breath and nodded. </p><p>“Have you… felt it from the beginning?”</p><p><br/>
“Like it’ll be our last?” Adora asked.</p><p>Catra swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. “Like we’ve done this before.”</p><p>“Maybe we have,” Adora said, running her fingers through her hair like she did whenever she was stressed. They didn’t leave the supply closet for a long time. </p><p> </p><p>———</p><p> </p><p>Catra dreamt of red lightning and cracked masks. Adora dreamt of claw marks on  hallways walls under fluorescent green lights. They woke up clinging to each other, shaking off goosebumps. “We should ask someone,” Adora murmured. </p><p>Catra pressed a kiss to her temple. “What’ll they know?”</p><p>“It can’t hurt to try.”</p><p>“It might.”</p><p>They didn’t fall asleep again, just laid in each other’s arms and fought off their darkest childhood memories.</p><p> </p><p>——— </p><p> </p><p> Adora wanted to tell Glimmer, because they were best friends, or Perfuma, because she was good at dealing with complicated emotions. But both of them knew that the only people who could tell them were the ones that were there — their old team. Lonnie was the one who planted the first seeds anyway, she might help sow them. </p><p>Luckily, the three ex-Horde soldiers all ate lunch together under the tree in the courtyard. Kyle looked up first and waved at them. “Oh hey guys!”</p><p>“‘Sup Kyle,” Catra said, “mind if we join?”</p><p>Lonnie, who was sitting with her back to them, turned around and raised her eyebrow. “When have you ever joined us for lunch before?” she asked, but not unkindly. She scooted over on the bench to make space for them. Rogelio nodded and offered them a grunt as they sat down. </p><p>“Woah, the last time the five of us were together like this—”</p><p>“I don’t think any of us want to think about the Horde, Kyle.” </p><p>Kyle shrunk and ate his sandwich, muttering a small apology. Catra scratched her ear. Adora cleared her throat. “Well, um, actually—”</p><p>“— that’s kind of exactly why we’re here.” </p><p>Lonnie rolled her eyes. “Gross. You literally finish each other’s sentences.” </p><p>“I think it’s cute,” Kyle piped up, then turned to his boyfriend. “You think we can do that?” Rogelio just grunted. Kyle beamed and grunted back. Lonnie let out an exaggerated gag. </p><p>“You guys are all disgusting. I didn’t know being a fifth wheel was a chronic illness, otherwise I would have dropped you losers a long time ago.”</p><p>Adora laughed, reaching across Catra to punch her lightly in the arm. “Aw, no, Lonnie, you love us.”</p><p>“Whatever. What do you want?”</p><p>“We were just discussing how those grey ration bars are a lot better than eating leaves,” Kyle said, holding up a piece of lettuce from his sandwich away from his body as if it might bite him. Catra snorts. </p><p>“Yeah, I just give that part to Swift— to the horse.” </p><p>Adora looked around before cupping her hands over her mouth.“You’ll summon him over if you say his name out loud,” she whispered dramatically. Catra shuddered. Adora turned to face her. “But you really should eat your vegetables, you know.” </p><p>Catra rolled her eyes. “Whatever. We’re getting off-topic.”</p><p>“I think it’s called stalling,” Adora muttered.</p><p>“Sure. Okay. Listen, guys, during our time at the Horde… what do you remember about our relationship? Me and Adora’s, I mean.”</p><p>There was a beat where no one said anything. Then Lonnie scoffed. “You kidding? You two were all over each other.”</p><p>“I was jealous of you two,” Kyle admitted quietly. “I wanted to be as close to someone as you guys are to each other. It’s weird to watch.”</p><p>“You guys are attached at the hip. Sometimes you do that thing where you have a staring contest and don’t realize anyone else in the room. God, the sexual tension between you guys during the war… it was almost hard to watch.”</p><p>“But what about <em> before </em> the war?” Adora pressed, her cheeks flaring up. Catra refused to look at anyone, too embarrassed. Were they really like that? </p><p>“What do you mean?” Lonnie asked. Then she furrowed her brows. “Wait, is this because of the other day—”</p><p>“No,” Catra hissed, then faltered. “... maybe.”</p><p>“Were we dating?” Adora asked finally.</p><p>Everyone was silent for a moment, so quiet they could hear the grass rustling in the breeze. Then it was cut out by a burst of laughter.</p><p>“Dating?” Lonnie asked, tears in her eyes. “Seriously?” Catra shrunk back defensively, curling a tail around Adora’s ankle. </p><p>“What? What’s so funny?”</p><p>“Catra, you tried to claw out my eye every time I called Adora your girlfriend. You thought you were <em> so </em> good at keeping it a secret.”</p><p>“It was pretty obvious,” Kyle said. Rogelio grunted in agreement. “I mean, you can’t make out in the barracks and expect not to be walked in on.” Both Catra and Adora froze and pinned their gazes onto Kyle. He blinked and shuffled his feet. “What?”</p><p>Catra covered her mouth and looked at Adora. “We… so we did—”</p><p>“Like it’ll be our last,” Adora echoed.</p><p>“Shadow Weaver,” they finally said at the same time. Lonnie’s eyes bounced between them for a moment. </p><p>“That was freaky but… what, exactly, are you talking about?” Adora took a deep breath and squeezed Catra’s hand.</p><p>“We don’t remember that. We don’t remember being together before… well, before the kiss in the Heart.”</p><p>“It felt so familiar,” Catra said, her eyes sullen. “We didn’t understand…”</p><p>“Wait so… you guys didn’t break up? I thought that’s why Catra was so angry…”</p><p>“I was angry because Adora left me,” Catra said with more bite than she should’ve. She immediately felt guilty when Adora flinched at the reminder. “We didn’t… well, maybe it was like a breakup. But we didn’t know that.”</p><p>“Oh,” Kyle shifted in his seat. “So you think Shadow Weaver…”</p><p>Adora nodded as he trailed off. “Yeah. She threatened us so many times when we were younger, but I didn’t think she would actually…”</p><p>“Makes you wonder what else she’s taken from us,” Catra muttered, finishing her thought. “From all of us.”</p><p>They sat in silence again, taking a moment to grieve over the things they didn’t know they might have lost. Adora, who was running her thumb soothingly across Catra’s knuckles, laced their fingers together and squeezed reassuringly. Catra squeezed back, hard enough that it shook. She used her other hand to scrub at her face and sigh. “It’s frustrating. She’s still messing up our lives now, even beyond the grave.”</p><p>“We’ll be okay, Catra,” Adora murmured. “We always are.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>why do all my one shots have abrupt endings. why do i do this.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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